Sinews

There are two options.
and you know both like the back of your hand
Like writing on the wall
    but you can't choose.

Your friends have chosen to ignore the signs,
You're always home, you talk about death,
    you ask about their futures.
I'm sorry, there are three options.
            The third is just one I try not to say.

The first is what you're expecting-
    To kill yourself is the control freak's way to die
    The ultimate show of dominance
    A way out of the constant fireworks.

I swallowed my hair as a child
    And whenever someone tugs for me wrong,
I get the same rush of love
the same comfortingly dull pain.

The second is what you dream of- or try to-
    Being happy before the point of destruction
    The kind of health they talk about
            in textbooks,
    the offices of important people...

But there isn't much you can do
to force that kind of love,
the kind that will love you back.

The third,
            is asking me to strangle the second
    with the noose of the first
So I'll have nothing to wrap around my fists in the morning.
To bruise my knuckles with only the sounds of my heart beating,
            protected by only bone.