Matriarchy

Scene I

Mother and Daughter are seated around a table, drinking tea.

MOTHER

So, how have you been? How's the family? How's the nuclear shelter in your backyard?

DAUGHTER

We decided against nuclear energy in favor of something more green. We actually care about the environment. Specifically our backyard.

MOTHER

Well, I hope those bamboo stalks will keep all the radiation out. And the homosexuals - sorry, the infected Homosapiens.

DAUGHTER

Right mom, because Jesus will keep you protected from their infectious sexuality.

MOTHER

Don't you dare take the name of my personal, what is it kids say these days... my personal homeboy in vain!

DAUGHTER

MOM!

Mother is about to hit her Daughter with a pie in the face when there is suddenly is a black out. 

Scene II

The lights come back on and they are back to having tea.

MOTHER

So, how's your pathetic excuse for a job?

DAUGHTER

Mom, just because you don't believe in books on a moral level, doesn't mean being an unpublished author isn't a completely respectable profession.

MOTHER

Sweetheart, the only thing you write is stories with those silly little wizard characters. Do you know what a wizard is? A male witch. You could get stoned for that.

DAUGHTER

You know who else is gonna get stoned?

Daughter pies Mother. Black out.

Scene III

The lights come back on and they are back to having tea.

DAUGHTER

So, how's your shrine to John Lennon doing? Have you found your Yoko action figure yet?

MOTHER

They are not action figures!

Mother pies Daughter. Black out.

Scene IV

Lights.

MOTHER

You know, in my day, we would have shunned and subsequently exorcised that little Chihuahua of yours for providing excrement to the carpet.

Pie. Blackout.

Scene V

The lights come back on and they are back to having tea.

DAUGHTER

I love your teal sweater.

MOTHER

It's TURQUOISE!

Pie. Blackout.

Scene VI

Lights.

MOTHER

I really think my water aerobics class would love my perfect little grand-daughter. What happened to you? Can I keep her instead?

Pie. Blackout.

Scene VII

Lights.

DAUGHTER

Dad wouldn't approve of the way you've been plucking your face lately. He loved your mustache more than he loved you. How's Dad's boyfriend by the way? How's your gardener?

Pie. Blackout.

Scene VIII

Lights.

Mother

You need a nice pair of boot cut jeans. A nice, respectably fitting, semi-spinster pair of mom jeans. You deserve it. In a good way!

Pie. Blackout.

Scene IX

Lights.

DAUGHTER

Sometimes I feel like you don't respect me, that you don't love me even.

MOTHER

I gave you the exact same amount of affection as my mother-ship gave me!

GRANDMOTHER

I never loved you!

Grandmother pies both. Blackout.

Scene X

Lights.

MOTHER

So, how have you been? How are you doing?

Daughter rolls her eyes.

DAUGHTER

I'm fine, I suppose.

Blackout.