Laurel & Schuyler

Laurel, Schuyler and Mom are sitting far apart on stage. Laurel is in the far left, Schuyler is in the far right, and Mom is in the front right. They are all buckled in, in a car, and are all looking in opposite directions. They are all dressed in light, summer clothing. 

MOM

Hey, why don't we play a game?

LAUREL

Like what? I spy? I spy a serious, thought provoking idea.

MOM

Laurel, stop it. Not the time, nor the place.

SCHUYLER

Yeah, Laurel.

LAUREL

Shut up!

SCHUYLER

You shut up!

MOM

Guys! Stop it! Separate.

Laurel and Schuyler both move their chairs the length of one chair over each.

MOM

So. Who's excited?

LAUREL

Ecstatic. I'll burst.

SCHUYLER

Shush.

MOM

Fine. Fine.

SCHUYLER

Fine.

MOM

Shush.

Scene II

They all stand, walk around the chair once then sit in the chair in a different position.

MOM

So? How was school?

LAUREL

Uneventful, purgatory-style. The children are quite the little amoebae.

SCHUYLER

About whom you feel the need to constantly complain about, oh holy intelligent one.

LAUREL

The teenager is a very complex being with feelings and chemical imbalances and malfunctioning brain cells. Of course I complain, I wouldn't be able to retain my borderline sanity.

SCHUYLER

Someone's a bit pissy today.

LAUREL

But see, child, it's so much more than that. I have to deal with pissy people so much that it just soaks into my pores and oozes out of my anus. I bathe in these mono nuclear cells.

MOM

You can't do much about it though. They are your peers. You kinda have to deal with them.

LAUREL

Thanks Mom. I really didn't realize that. With that sliver of information, my entire perception of them has changed, I'm reborn.

MOM

So melodramatic. I'm so proud of you, with your first-world education and name brand sneakers.

LAUREL

Don't forget her mother with the overpriced haircut and unrealistic view of the debt crisis.

MOM

Laurel, you have to agree that you're going a little overboard.

LAUREL

I'm going overboard? You're mistaking me for a boring humanoid. I'm just expressing myself. That's all.

SCHUYLER

That's what it's called.

LAUREL

Yeah, because you would know.

Scene III

They all stomp their feet once in unison.

LAUREL

So, where are we going?

MOM

We're going to the zoo.

LAUREL

And where'd you get this brilliant idea from?

MOM

The internet. Apparently, group outings strengthen bonds between members of the average American Family.

SCHUYLER

The internet. Really. Who taught you how to use that?

MOM

Oprah, and the Real World... on MTV.

LAUREL

Who taught you how to use the television?

MOM

Your father.

LAUREL

Dammit, Schuyler! I told you he had a secret agenda when he asked you to 'DVR' Storage Wars. He still has stacks and stacks of Video Cassettes in his closet full of M*A*S*H and Charlie Brown Specials.

SCHUYLER

How was I supposed to know that what I thought was him trying in a last ditch effort to bond with his only, most handsome son was really a mission to teach mom how to turn the TV on!

LAUREL

IT WAS ONLY TO BE EXPECTED.

MOM

UNLIKE YOU, YOU LITTLE SURPRISE. Now let's just try to have a nice time WITHOUT any public scenes.

SCHUYLER

I wanna go home.

MOM

You shut your mouth.

Scene IV

They move their chairs so that Laurel is situated in the Center upstage. Downstage, Schuyler is situated on the Right while Mom is situated on the left. They are all sitting. Laurel is slouching. The projection of a lion comes on behind Laurel.

SCHUYLER

Hey, look at that lion!

LAUREL

I don't care.

SCHUYLER

No look, it's clawing at Laurel's head! And it keeps opening its mouth...

MOM

Sweetie you might want to move away from that glass.

LAUREL

What are you-AHHHHHHHH!

SCHUYLER

Ha. Haha.

LAUREL

Be quiet Schuyler. You want me to remind you of the time the snake-

Behind them, a young man wheels out in a wheel chair. Laurel straightens up.

LAUREL

And a really fascinating fact about the lion is that it actually lives in the grasslands, not the jungle as many believe.

SCHUYLER

Yes, because I can't see the obvious informational blurb.

MOM

Shut up Schuyler, your sister is just attempting to be pleasant because a clean-cut young gentleman has approached.

GUY

What?

LAUREL

MOM!

MOM

Let me introduce you to my daughter Laurel. She is truly one of the most unbearable people in the universe and I think that you two will get along quite well.

LAUREL

I hate you for all of eternity.

MOM

You see! She's just oozing with charisma! Have your way with her! Show her you're a man.

GUY

Umm, alright.

A girl appears and wheels in from behind him and they hold arms.

GUY

Nice to meet you, and never speak to me again.

The couple wheel of in opposite directions.

MOM

Well, I tried?

SCHUYLER

Yes you did. I'm really proud of you.

Scene V

Schuyler falls off of the chair. Laurel and Mom are silent as they stare at him as he gets back up on the chair. Once up, he sits rigid and straight.

MOM

Why don't we go on vacation? There's so many places we've never been.

LAUREL

Why don't we not?

MOM

Well, someone's being quite the Negative Nelly.

SCHUYLER

Well, it's pretty difficult for her to be anything but--

LAUREL

We don't say mean things. Shut your goddamn mouth.

SCHUYLER

But we definitely contradict ourself.

MOM

All the time. Anywhere. Anyplace.